Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
