I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
