I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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