I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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