I like my sex mixed with concussions.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
