Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
even my farts smell like vagina
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
