blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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