my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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