I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
