just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
