There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
