K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
