You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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