I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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