i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
