Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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