peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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