I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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