I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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