On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
