Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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