I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
