I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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