I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
