Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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