Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
P.S. I can't hear my feet
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
