it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just invented taco cereal.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
