So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
