All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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