We won't sleep together?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
