Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
