I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
