A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
