When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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