My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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