Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
