Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
