no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
