I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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