Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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