when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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