i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
