Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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