The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
