what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
