just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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