Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you win again, gameday.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
