My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
