I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
