just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
